Do you want to know how to render a movie completely mindless? Put The Rock in it. To his credit, though, that dude is in everything. The more time passes, the more it seems he's a staple of the action movie franchise. Never mind the fact that his acting ability (outside of smoldering and minor comedic ability) is nonexistent. Never mind that his movies are all derivatives of each other. And on top of that we're all supposed to look over the fact that the only thing he cares about when he reads a script is the number of zeros in the contract. I've said this before, and I'll say it again: If he were a normal-sized dude, nobody would care. Yet, because he is massive, the phone just keeps ringing. And yet idiots like me still see his movies.
Yes, I saw Rampage; no, I am not proud of it.
It may seem like I'm headed for full-fledged rage mode, but the truth of the matter is that I didn't find myself mentally cursing the screen while watching Rampage. However, the only reason that was the case was because I knew what I was getting into. Thankfully I've seen enough of this typical mumbo jumbo that my expectations were just low enough that I was almost able to enjoy some of the action scenes. Almost.
Honestly, I really don't know how stuff like this keeps getting green-lighted. The pitch at these networks must go something like,
"How about an idea where a giant animal destroys a major city?"
"Ah, geez, there's already been a bunch of Godzilla movies."
"Nah, this time it'll be a giant ape."
"So another King Kong?"
"Not exactly, the ape will be friends with the main human."
"Like in The Jungle Book?"
"No, this time it'll be in Chicago."
"I just feel like we've done this before..."
"I'm not finished! This time they'll be genetically mutated by science!"
"Didn't Planet of the Apes just do that?"
"Yeah, but this time we'll have several animals."
"Oh. So Jurassic Park?"
"Did you hear me say anything about dinosaurs?"
"Yeah, right, 'cause that totally makes a difference."
"Did I mention The Rock will be in it?"
"OK, well, what will you have him do?"
"I don't know; look huge and fly a helicopter or something."
"You mean like when in San Andreas--"
"SHUT UP, we're doing this!"
Seriously--that may seem like a cheap side bit, but Rampage is just a cheap, knockoff hybrid of all those earlier (but not necessarily better) movies. I think that's all I need to say about the storyline. It's just a ridiculous, mindless, overplayed, annoying premise that's about as original as Heinz's attempt at selling "Mayochup." First of all, worst name EVER. Second, its FRY SAUCE and you know it!
Moving on, I'm not sure if you'd expect anything more from a movie like Rampage, but the acting was just painful to watch. Not to mention the ridiculous dialogue. I was very displeased to see Malin Akerman in another movie, particularly after her emotionless role in Watchmen. I realize most of you aren't familiar with her, so it'll suffice for me to say that she's about on-par with Kirsten Stewart. Or The Rock, for that matter. I can't think of a performance from anyone in Rampage that was even remotely decent.
Furthermore, the action scenes were only fair. I mean, yeah, it was kind of cool to see a giant ape go ballistic on a 30-foot wolf and a massive crocodile; but, as was mentioned, the King Kong movies already had Kong go ape (no pun intended) on several different animals. So even that became down-played. Also, even with my (disastrously) low expectations, there were levels of ridiculous that even I couldn't look past; even for a Dwayne Johnson creature movie.
OK--I know this is asking a lot--but just once I want to see a monster B-movie flick that doesn't have an annoying military angle to it. Yeah, I know they'd theoretically get involved in such a situation, but it just bogs down the movie every time. Plus the product placement put a damper on things. It wasn't at the level of the Transformers movies, but that's also not saying much.
Frankly, that's about all I can say. Basically every Dwayne Johnson movie is exemplary of the Cash-Grab Cast Corollary. And you know what? I don't see an end in sight. It was clear from the beginning that Rampage (and other movies done by The Rock) was never aimed at being a critic's film. The only problem is that I'm not sure it's meant to be for anyone else, either.
The simplest answer to the question, "What's the best way to watch Rampage?" is, "Just don't do it."
I don't see any way I could give it more than a 32% and thusly send it anywhere other than the
Pawn Shop
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