I can only imagine that the pitch meeting for The Meg went something like this:
"All right, we need a Summer movie."
"Do we want a Blockbuster?"
"They went out of business."
"What? No, no, I mean, 'Do we want to make a lot of money,' in that vain."
"Oh. Well, have you ever been in a meeting where we didn't want to make money?"
"...Touche, Head of Warner Brothers."
"Then what are you waiting for, Token Screenwriter?"
"Well, I thought, "'Hey, we want a Blockbuster, right? So how about we go back to the O.G. of Blockbuster films?'"
"Oh, no--"
"Jaws!"
"*groans*"
"What?"
"Jaws rip-offs have just been done-to-death, don't you think?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Well, they made three sequels to Jaws, all of which were embarrassing."
"OK, but can you think of, like, any others?"
"Just Deep Blue Sea, Open Water, The Reef, Shark Night, 47 Meters Down..."
"Yeah, but--"
"The Shallows, Avalanche Sharks, Cruel Jaws, Shark Attack..."
"Well, I--"
"Snow Shark, Raging Sharks, Shark Zone, Monster Shark, 12 Days of Terror..."
"But what if--"
"Spring Break Shark Attack."
"....Are you done?"
"Oh, look, here's an article announcing Syfy's sixth Sharknado movie."
"OK, fine, but--wait, really?"
"Yeah."
"Six?"
"Yes."
"Wow."
"I know."
"OK, BUT..."
"...."
"Do those have....a Megalodon?"
"A what?"
"It's a shark."
"...."
"That's--like--HUGE."
"The fact that I'm not making a Donald Trump joke right now should tell you how serious I am about this conversation."
"Thank you."
"Look, I'm sure there have been plenty of big sharks in those movies."
"But were they called a Megalodon?"
"*types on computer*….no--not specifically."
"Well, that's it, then!"
"....Brilliant!"
I probably spent more time writing that bit than the screenwriters for The Meg spent writing the entire screenplay. And that bit wasn't even that funny! What does that tell you?
I explored this with my review of Hotel Transylvania 3 (which was probably about as memorable as the film itself), but The Meg is another player of the same team. The "team" of which I'm speaking, of course, is the team of movies of which you can't expect anything of substance. Does anybody really expect to walk into the ump-teen-thousandth re-hash of Jaws and consequently become dumber after watching it? If not, then I'm afraid you have a bigger problem.
It should be abundantly clear that everyone involved in this movie (including the audience) knows exactly what they're trying to do. The audiences want mindless entertainment for two hours, and everyone else involved is more than willing to provide it. At a ridiculous price, of course. Now, why entertainment always has to be mindless, I can't tell you; but what I can tell you is that you should expect exactly that from The Meg. However, that won't stop me from ripping it apart in detail; but after I do, will you care? I doubt it.
The Meg is a B-movie monster flick, so that alone deems the plot to be ridiculous and derivative. However, my criticizing every individual ripoff characteristic would be about as annoying as the rip-off characteristics themselves. Additionally, since almost every concept of the genre has been explored with multiple angles, the methodology of the film is equally as ridiculous as its concept. In a nutshell, it's a blatant ripoff narrative with equally blatant callouts to its better counterparts, and the only way it could be more derivative is if it was in a calculus class.
Maybe it's just because my expectations were so low, but I genuinely thought the writing was going to be worse. That shouldn't be misconstrued as a compliment (a backhanded one at best), however, as the writing was abysmal. But I can easily think of several movies with worse writing, so that's...all right, I guess. It's not that it was uniquely terrible, it just called on every trope in the book. Whether it was the caricatures, their lack of development, the plot-convenient inconsistencies, the haphazard continuity, or simply a series of expositional, cheesy dialogue, there was nothing original about...anything. To be fair, though, when you have Jason Statham uttering, "Oh my God...It's a Megalodon" as a focal point of the trailer, it's almost like it was on purpose.
Either way, the best (or the worst) thing about this movie is the CGI-driven action scenes that are advertise-ably absurd. But that's exactly what you came for, right? You don't go to a Jason Statham B-movie about a Megalodon to reflect on the dichotomy of theology and skepticism symbolized by race divisions in the ancient Americas. (That sentence alone probably merits a 2019 Oscar nom.) You go to see a giant shark go to town on a bunch of throwaway extras before Jason Statham inevitably punches it right in the face! You want your testosterone levels to be "OVER NINE THOUSAND!"
If that's the case, well--you got it.
There's no critical part of me that could say anything about the merits of The Meg; because, frankly, I'm not sure there are any. I'm sure many folks were impressed by the CGI, but a computer-engineered 70-foot shark doesn't get you very far in 2018. Frankly, the issue with a lot of special effects is that they have to be particularly extraordinary to hold any ground, because every current non-dialogue-driven movie relies upon it so heavily. Do it well, and you can possibly end up with the most visually stunning movie ever (also known as Blade Runner 2049). Do it poorly, and you can end up with The Hobbit. A risky gamble indeed.
I suppose this endeavor has simply been a convoluted way of saying that The Meg is a steaming pile of overplayed, derivative cinematic garbage that will keep you perfectly entertained for a couple of hours. And, if you're like me, you'll get some good laughs out of it. Unfortunately, I'm still a critic, which means I can't give it anything above a 39%. By my own rules, this means I have to send it to the
Pawn Shop.
But remember that Pawn Shop Films are still worth a dollar, and a dollar (plus a couple of hours of your time) isn't a bad price to pay for a testosterone party. Maybe you could even use it to get back at your wife for making you watch Mama Mia! Here We Go Again.
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